Roger HarrisImportant Message from Queen Elizabeth
October 16th 2008 07:35
To the Citizens of the United States of America
>From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
9.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
10.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).
11.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
12.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
13.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
14.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.
God Save The Queen
| 199 |
| Vote |
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
Comment by Mandy
Love of Pop
Other than that low remark about the state of our cricket team, I heartily concur. Well done, old chap!
Comment by Someone
Evil Pleasures
Random Musings on Life, Love and Everything
Let's Get Down To Business
And I read that as a compliment about our cricket team? Could be wrong...
Comment by Howard
Real Crash
Comment by Johnny Come Lately
Jack's Back
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
I'd laugh if it happened too...
~Dianna
Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
The wonderful Peter Yang's Variety blog
Power Ranger Online
Comedy TV Online
ALL COMMONWEALTH NATION CALL FOR INDEPENDENT AND JOIN THE UNITED STATES TO FIGHT AGAINST THE BRITISH ROYALS IN WW3
Cheers
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Damo
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
Janet
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Comment by Deanna B
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Catana
Asperger's Today
You really need to add:
15. The installation of CCTV cameras on every street corner will commence immediately.
16. The letter "V" is hereby declared illegal when used as a name.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by Justicia
A Word From The Wise
Celebwise
Comment by KC Hill
World Art
Gear Lover
Daily History
The HOT Report
World Travel
Street Beat
Hind Sight
Now it wasn't really the Queen that wrote this, right?
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
i wonder if anyone would notice?
Comment by Anonymous