Roger HarrisLobster in a Pot
September 26th 2006 03:43
The water gets hotter and hotter, yet it’s gradual enough you don’t notice changes.
I’m not sure I would have ever made the decision to leave my marriage. I’m sure I would have allowed thing to get weirder and weirder. I'd like to say I would have left the marriage over infidelity, but I didn't. I'd like to say I'd leave over abuse, but then again I look back at the manipulation … that’s abuse, I didn't leave then. Physical abuse, sure I'd leave over that? I think? I can no long say? It's easy to say what you THINK you'd do, but it's so much harder to see when you are in the situation.
Perspective doesn’t come instantly either. Sometimes it’s takes time.
I guess I knew things were weird. But I just figured everyone has problems. We’d work through this.
How do you know if you are in a lobster pot? I guess the better question is: Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are rationalizing your significant others behavior? You kept telling yourself “we will weather this” yet it keeps happening again and again. Does your partner SAY the right words, but not DO the right thing. Even moments after having the discussion. To the point where you start to question what you actually said.
Not a real life example, but not too far from my life.
“Instead of playing Mario Brothers tonight could you help with dinner and dishes tonight”
“yes, you are right. I’ve been playing a lot of Mario brothers lately. I will help with the dishes after dinner. I need to stop playing that so much.”
“I agree you’ve seemed a bit obsessed”
“yeah, no doubt”
After dinner he’s now playing Donkey Kong.
“I thought you were going to help with dishes”
“I will when I finish this level”
“I thought you agreed you’ve been playing too much?”
“this is Donkey Kong not Mario Brothers”
“but it’s STILL A VIDEO GAME, maybe I said Mario brothers but I meant video game”.
“ok, now you are changing the rules, I can never win, you are irrational and controlling”.
That’s crazy making. I did say Mario Brothers. I guess he has a point. I am changing the rules. Let’s turn that water temperature up just a little bit more…
Again, this never happened to me. But it’s really not that far from things that have happened.
I’m not sure I would have ever made the decision to leave my marriage. I’m sure I would have allowed thing to get weirder and weirder. I'd like to say I would have left the marriage over infidelity, but I didn't. I'd like to say I'd leave over abuse, but then again I look back at the manipulation … that’s abuse, I didn't leave then. Physical abuse, sure I'd leave over that? I think? I can no long say? It's easy to say what you THINK you'd do, but it's so much harder to see when you are in the situation.
Perspective doesn’t come instantly either. Sometimes it’s takes time.
I guess I knew things were weird. But I just figured everyone has problems. We’d work through this.
How do you know if you are in a lobster pot? I guess the better question is: Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are rationalizing your significant others behavior? You kept telling yourself “we will weather this” yet it keeps happening again and again. Does your partner SAY the right words, but not DO the right thing. Even moments after having the discussion. To the point where you start to question what you actually said.
Not a real life example, but not too far from my life.
“Instead of playing Mario Brothers tonight could you help with dinner and dishes tonight”
“yes, you are right. I’ve been playing a lot of Mario brothers lately. I will help with the dishes after dinner. I need to stop playing that so much.”
“I agree you’ve seemed a bit obsessed”
“yeah, no doubt”
After dinner he’s now playing Donkey Kong.
“I thought you were going to help with dishes”
“I will when I finish this level”
“I thought you agreed you’ve been playing too much?”
“this is Donkey Kong not Mario Brothers”
“but it’s STILL A VIDEO GAME, maybe I said Mario brothers but I meant video game”.
“ok, now you are changing the rules, I can never win, you are irrational and controlling”.
That’s crazy making. I did say Mario Brothers. I guess he has a point. I am changing the rules. Let’s turn that water temperature up just a little bit more…
Again, this never happened to me. But it’s really not that far from things that have happened.
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I was stuck in a relationship like this once. I would always find excuses for his behaviour and reasons why my behaviour had made him this way. He had the art of manipulation down to a T - everything would always be twisted so that no matter what it was somehow my fault and I had to fix it. On the odd ocassion that he went out of his way to apologise I would then have it thrown in my face for the next few months, so it was just easier to be the first one to apologise.
It is exactly like a lobster in a pot with the heat being turned up and you adapting to the new environment. You lose your identity and have a new one formed for you, whether you like it or not.
And when you are lucky enough to wake out of this nightmare it is like you are seeing the world through new eyes. Everything seems exciting and refreshing and you can develop a whole new you.
I have read some of your further posts - good on you for getting out of it and continue to make new discoveries about yourself. Life is great - take it with both hands and run with it!
Ash